dantesspirit (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
dantesspirit) wrote2023-06-26 12:46 pm
dantesspirit) wrote2023-06-26 12:46 pm
Entry tags:
Family stuff- Beginning of the end
Mark's mom is dying.
Now, she's been in End Stage Alzheimer's for at least a year now, so she's *been* dying, but this time, it's the end.
His dad called a couple weeks ago, said she was fading, we needed to come say good bye. BiL & SiL dropped everything and went up immediately, as he has a job that allows him to work from nearly anywhere, so no big deal to do so for them. We on the other hand, cannot do that. So we made plans to go up in July.
Well, last week, Mark's dad called, saying she had mere days, when were we coming up and when Mark told him we weren't coming up until July, he wasn't happy. Said things he shouldn't have, about me and my work in particular. Mark blew up at him and finally told him, if she passes before we get up there, then so be it. That he didn't want to remember his mom like this (beridden, unable to communicate, unable to move or eat, on low dose morphine to help her breathe), that he preferred to remember her as she once was. That he said goodbye every time we'd been up there since the diagnosis almost a decade ago. He was so upset at his dad.
He talked about not wanting to go up unless it was for her funeral now. I told him I understood, *I* wouldn't have wanted to see my dad as he was in the hospital either (And my mom told me, she refused to do a video call when the nurses called to say he had mere hours, did she want to say goodbye? She said she did every time she saw him.), so I wasn't going to talk him into it, that I supported him in whatever decision he made.
His dad called last night. He says it's definitely the end, that she's no longer able to eat (she aspirates if he tries to feed her pureed foods & she won't chew if it's solid) and only sleeps most of the day (That's how it was for my dad the last week of his life as well.) He also said he wasn't as depressed about it- which likely colored a lot of his reaction last week, and that he'd keep us updated.
Mark said to me after, that after last week, he wasn't sure he wanted to go up as we planned, after the 4th of July. I told him we could wait until the funeral if he wanted. He wants to spend some extra time up there with his dad, because he thinks he's going to need it, and I agree.
Right now, we are day by day. We know funeral arrangements have already been in place for both of them for years now. There's a will, etc, so really, we just need to show up.
So, yeah, fun times.
Now, she's been in End Stage Alzheimer's for at least a year now, so she's *been* dying, but this time, it's the end.
His dad called a couple weeks ago, said she was fading, we needed to come say good bye. BiL & SiL dropped everything and went up immediately, as he has a job that allows him to work from nearly anywhere, so no big deal to do so for them. We on the other hand, cannot do that. So we made plans to go up in July.
Well, last week, Mark's dad called, saying she had mere days, when were we coming up and when Mark told him we weren't coming up until July, he wasn't happy. Said things he shouldn't have, about me and my work in particular. Mark blew up at him and finally told him, if she passes before we get up there, then so be it. That he didn't want to remember his mom like this (beridden, unable to communicate, unable to move or eat, on low dose morphine to help her breathe), that he preferred to remember her as she once was. That he said goodbye every time we'd been up there since the diagnosis almost a decade ago. He was so upset at his dad.
He talked about not wanting to go up unless it was for her funeral now. I told him I understood, *I* wouldn't have wanted to see my dad as he was in the hospital either (And my mom told me, she refused to do a video call when the nurses called to say he had mere hours, did she want to say goodbye? She said she did every time she saw him.), so I wasn't going to talk him into it, that I supported him in whatever decision he made.
His dad called last night. He says it's definitely the end, that she's no longer able to eat (she aspirates if he tries to feed her pureed foods & she won't chew if it's solid) and only sleeps most of the day (That's how it was for my dad the last week of his life as well.) He also said he wasn't as depressed about it- which likely colored a lot of his reaction last week, and that he'd keep us updated.
Mark said to me after, that after last week, he wasn't sure he wanted to go up as we planned, after the 4th of July. I told him we could wait until the funeral if he wanted. He wants to spend some extra time up there with his dad, because he thinks he's going to need it, and I agree.
Right now, we are day by day. We know funeral arrangements have already been in place for both of them for years now. There's a will, etc, so really, we just need to show up.
So, yeah, fun times.
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Saw my paternal grandmother once, in the midst of her diabetes induced dementia- she did not know who I was- and never saw her again, as she passed before we got back up to Michigan again.
My maternal aunt by marriage also had Alzheimer's, but breast cancer got her first.
If we lived in New Jersey, it'd probably be a little different. He'd have been there more during the early stages, but yeah, it sucks all around for everyone involved.
Thankfully the Parents in Law are not packrats, unlike my parents. That would really suck.
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she's also at home, so she can pass peacefully in familiar surroundings, as well as the FiL refused to put her in a 'home'.
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Sending love and good thoughts and peace to the whole family.
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But yeah, day to day mode engaged.
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And yeah, people who are grieving can go more cattywompus than normal.